In reading today's newspaper this morning and yeah only one day's worth, I gleaned these words. Now you have to guess what they are talking about.
The words were "outgunned," "axed," put in "boot hill," "destroys," "hammers," "rubs them out," "into Death Valley," "rips apart," "put the hurt on,"
"it's curtains," "all over," "fight to the end,", "whack," "eliminate," "crushed," "strangled," "deep sixed," "bombed," "scalped, " skinned."
If you guessed it was a bloody African tribal war between the Hutoos and the Tutus, you have guessed wrong. These words were used in the sports
section of the local daily newspaper describing football games. Yes, football. Do these dumb sports writers really think that people do these things to
other people in a football game? Maybe some do, but I"m smarter than that.
Just who are these sports writers writing for? I confess I do not know. I was a football fan when I was younger and played a lot of it. Somewhere along the
way I've seemed to have grown out of it.. Use of these silly metaphors by the writers indicates that growing out of it was the mature thing to do. I have an
idea of what level of IQ reads this monotonous sports tripe--somewhere between luke warm and a peculating level.
Mark Twain once wrote that you could get an idea of the intelligence of a populace by "the size of it's sports section in the local paper." I can't argue with that.
I'll one up him on that by saying--and the size of the big screen TV bought for the purpose of watching these lethargic and mind numbing sports of football or baseball.
You typically get about 4 seconds of action and then a minute of do nothing except them scratching their asses unless there is a commercial and then it is interminable
between these 4 seconds of action. Plus you have to listen the talking heads to give you a diatribe about what you just saw. Do these sports announcers really think
that everyone is so visually impaired or do they think people are so stupid they don't understand what they have just seen?
I think that sports announcers are smart and realize the sport is mind numbing boring and they have to create some excitement. Hence they have to use violent
metaphors. Otherwise the viewing public would be in a semi-comotose state sitting in their reclining chairs taking a snooze on a Sunday afternoon. I mean like
they don't do it during the game? Ha! Not even their exciting colorful language with death metaphors can keep a guy awake after cramming down all sorts of
munchies and two six packs of beer.
Then to my utter astonishment, I hear people say they can't wait to see the Super Bowl in order to see the new ads that Corporate America inflicts on them.
Yeah, ads that are designed to manipulate the dumbed down to buy crap they don't need with money they don't have. And they can't wait to see these ads???
To say that their lives are unexamined are boring is like saying fat meat is greasy.
I also have the notion that the biggest and most rabid fans never played football. These people are vicariously living in a subliminal way. ie They identify with the
players and fantasize that they are playing. Why not? We all know that in high school and college the players got the girls. They are wrong tho.'
The lineman didn't. I know because I was a lineman and never had any gals swarming over me or if they did I was too damn dumb to recognize it.
I did like college ball back in the fifties and sixties when a fan could relate to team that represented his geographical area. Most, if not all, of the players
were local boys. Not now. They're from all over the world. I just quit connecting to the teams due to lack of affinity with any of them.
For you football challenged people, I will explain why and how a team wins. At varying times during the game the announcers will tell you in these words.
The team with the most "drive," heart," "depth," "desire," "wants", "cares," "ball control," and "emotions will win. Or to put it like Coach Brown of Kansas put it
when he said, "We'll be going into it blind and it will boil down to whoever adapts the best to the weather and other team's game plan." How profound! That's
the epitome of the most pithiest statement without substantive content that I've ever read. I'm under whelmed with his knowledge of the game. But then again,
maybe he understands his audience.
Coaches and players always say, "We'll just take it one game at a time." Jumping Jesivious, is there any other mathematical way? I wish they would take twelve
games at a time and get this orgiastic ritual over so people could reclaim their Sunday afternoons and something exciting and productive such as hang gliding,
riding their motorcycle, climbing a mountain and even developing their brain by reading and writing.
Lastly, the most overused statement that every coach, announcer and players has used is this----"It's a mental game." Yeah right. If you believe they give an
IQ test to the players instead of testing them on the forty yard dash, I got a bridge to sell you and you will also probably believe that Romney and Gingrich don't lie.
But again, maybe those people who say such things understand the viewing public better than most.
My distant cousin played pro ball until he was in his late thirties and was MVP at tight end more times than I can remember told me, "But Bob, you
got to remember that it's just show business for the masses."
See you later sports fans.
Bob White Feb 5, 2012
PS 'Spect I'll get some nasty comments from people who don't recognize parody. Save your wrath response. The only response I would like to see
is that it's a decent piece of satirical writing.
