To Be a Contemporary Republican, You Have to Believe These Things

To be a current Republican as opposed to the classical old time ones you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him , a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a 'we can't find Bin Laden' diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex and just say no really works.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism except for Medicare. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host like Rush Limbaugh. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. Under Bush's Faith Based Initiative, giving our tax money to churches is the best way to fight poverty.

15. In order to get God back in schools, the separation of church and state constitutional clause should be abolished.

16. Deficit spending is OK and there is no need to balance the budget.

17. 54% of our our annual Federal tax dollar receipts going to the military industrial complex is not enough. They need more.

18. Bush's increase in size of Federal bureacracy by a third was not enough.

19. We didn't need that antiquated law of Habeas Corpus anyway.

20. Spying on our citizens is perfectly OK and torture of prisoners is clearly moral.

21. The removal of home lending regulations in the last 6 years by the FSLIC and the FDIC as related to documentation, credit worthiness and downpayment requirements was a good thing for making home ownership universal.